i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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