There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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