I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
