dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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