our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
