Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
