Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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