So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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