I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
