There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
COCAINE IS GR8
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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