I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
