The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
