Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
