do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
