I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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