no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
