Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
