I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
