I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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