Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
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You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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