i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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