My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
