I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
