i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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