so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
