Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
