Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
