I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
