I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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