I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My ATM looks so different sober.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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