I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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