just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
