I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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