Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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