This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
