my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
