i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
