i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
