and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
cat food counts as protein by the way
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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