this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
