Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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