420 ftw
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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