My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
