His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
