i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
