: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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