He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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