You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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