I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
