If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
