just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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