Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
