Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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