If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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