Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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