she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
