I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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