ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
