It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
