I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
