i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
