Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
