It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
