No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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