hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
